I’ve been trying to hold all this back for a long time, but I guess I need to let it out now. These days may not be particularly going as well as you expected. I really don’t know how to start but here is something that you need to know. You may feel that the self-loving guy in you is dead and the new introspecting guy has taken his roots too deep in you. The people around you think of you highly for the things you do better than them but mentally you curse yourselves repeatedly. You may have expected healthier friendships with certain people, more than you already have. You may still be confused in what field you must throw yourself in so as to proceed further in your life and be at peace with yourself.You may be astounded as to where did this passion for writing died? Where did all that poetic mind go which used to have a delicate spot for every circumstance and often overthought it to amplify the depth of the situation?
Your mind is currently a myriad of all these strings of thoughts but dear, please pull out one positive for yourself. You have at least brought your mind to a point where it has learned self-acceptance and wants to improve yourself and maybe bring certain talent back.
As to answer you, boy… yes you know you are mediocre in the codes that you write and the things that you do, but the truth is being mediocre is not a bad stat at this stage in your life. It’s more than what numerous people could achieve. Like C’mon! there are so many years left for you to sharpen your skills! Look forward to them!
As for your friendships… Not every person you give priority to will give the same level of priority to you. That’s a fact. you may value a person highly in your life but for the other one, you maybe just a source of entertainment. The best thing you can do is to let go. Just try and let go that particular belief that bounds you to feel that they will reciprocate with the same intensity and then try and talk to them like you used to. You will surely realize that it’s somewhat hypocrisy at it’s finest but honestly, this is the best way to let them go without letting them know. And btw, wasn’t that you who trashed the concept of “best friend” a long time back? Then why to look back to it?
And at the end of clusters, you are going to give up football. For good. There is no use to pick it up periodically. Hit gym, your biceps belong there.
As for the passion of writing… you must realize over the years that writing is not really your passion, it’s just your mode of expression. Be it typing, writing, texting or whatever, this is your field of expression and you are most comfortable here only. You come and meditate in this shrine whenever your mind can take it no more and you have to let it out. True that you don’t want others to listen to your sorrows, coz you fear that’ll waste their time… then why not just throw it all out on the paper? after all… it won’t shout at you? It won’t judge you, and to be really honest, It’s the best way to be normal and acceptable to your society.
Now since you have cried it all out… you can go back to be the normal Uddeshya your folks percieve you to be.
Until next time